Well, just got home...from an evening at the Wishard ER with my dear friend D...got off the phone with B, as he is my late night driving home go to man. Well he raised a good question. Talking about relationships among people and whatever, we are being surprisingly open with one another at this point which is nice. He said something along the lines of if a person is whole and their motivations behind having sex with people are to make themselves feel better about themselves because they are not whole as people. So anyways, I don't quite know where I am on this journey. Well, I guess I do know. Attention from men, sex, inappropriate cuddling, flirting, whatever the fuck it is that relates to how I have been interacting with men for the past several months is not making me happy. Yes I have been learning how to be happy being super single again, and maybe you have to play with fire a while, some of us (me), a little more than others, to discover who we are. I know that I can get a guy. Yes, the chase is fun, it's exciting, it gets my blood pumping. Of course that's true. It's basic science, it's hormones, it's adrenaline, estrogen, testosterone, endorphins, serotonin, whatever. All that shit. It's been fun. It's been really fun. I have learned a lot, A LOT...A HELL OF A LOT! about myself...about what I want to become, the person I want to be, and how to become that person. And most importantly how to not become that person. But I think it might be time to move forward.
Like I said, the chase is fun. Yes, but I want something more. I know I'm going to be okay no matter what. If my friends turned out to be fair-weathered. Or if they stick around even when I treat them like crap. If the love of my life leaves me. Or if I leave the guy who thinks I'm the love of his life. If I have 20 boys pursuing me. Or if I have nobody chasing me. No matter what happens I will be okay. I will persevere and get through it, as I have through everything thus far. The point I am trying to get to though, is that this jag of screwing mankind, and screwing mankind over is coming to an end. I've been through a journey to find myself for several months now, and it seems I'm still here at the end of it. Maybe because it's summertime, or maybe because it seems to be coming to a nice little end, I have this sense of change coming on. Something bigger and something better. I'm not quite sure what it will be, and I know transition is painful. But I'm me again. I'm comfortable this way or that way, if you know what I mean. I'm ready to go where life takes me next. I know I don't feel better about myself whether or not I'm with somebody. It's all about me. How I am on the inside and how I am relating to the people in my life I care about. For the most part, the people that matter are in it, and the few resentments I hold burn my soul up to the core, but I am make progressing, and at least learning from it all. Most importantly, I don't have this dependence on people accepting me anymore, I am who I am, flaws, mistakes, beauty, and imperfection in the most perfect way all rolled into one. I don't claim to be perfect, but for me it's about knowing that it's okay, it's actually quite fabulous, not having to be perfect. And not letting people's judging remarks and offhand comments tear me apart. Loving the humanness in myself, and in others. Its what separates us as individuals, make people special, their quirks, their silly mistakes. I just need to pray for a few to have this love for themselves and others. The one thing I seek the most. Hope for others to have what I want more than anything in the world. Yeah, I guess it always comes back to love. My s is all about living in the love and I think I'm beginning to comprehend why.
Hate is ugly, and it never did nobody good.
G help me let go of the hate today. Give those I resent the love that I want. Let me know what the hell I am supposed to do next. Thanks for all the people in my life that make me think.
