I am homesick. For a place that is not home anymore. I guess you could more say nostalgic. I am homesick for something that isn't here anymore, so it seems kind of pointless. I love it here, well I love school. I love finding something I could see myself doing for the rest of my life, career wise. And that is very important, yes. But I am lonely, although there are tons of people I could call here and at home. I know this is where I am supposed to be, and I know that this is probably normal, but secretly I wish I could turn the clocks back to a long time ago. I don't know where I would go back to, but right now I am feeling full of regret and sadness. I miss my family and I know if I go home it won't ever be the same. Not since Papa died, and especially now Grandpa Bernie died. A is away at school too, M is in Texas, and AM is in Mexico for months. My parents are at home, so happy to finally be without us kids in the house again. I miss being a little girl. I miss being carefree and not having to worry about succeeding in a career. I wish E was coming up here for the weekend, but she said she is staying in Lafayette, which is a good thing for her. I am sad that me and M are in a fight, and we might not ever make up. I hate that J is not my friend anymore, that she is a grown up in nursing school about to get married. Fucking 20's are so much harder than teenage years. This just feels like the end of my youth, and yes I know that is being so dramatic and I am so young still, but it's true. I can't just spend time with the people I love and have fun with, without feeling like I, myself, as a grown woman, need to have something more to offer than just myself. Like I need to know what's next, use adult language (have a vast lexicon), talk like a professional, blah blah blah. Ugh, I don't know if it's just because this is the first weekend I have to think a little bit since moving, but I wish time would slow down, and maybe even go backwards for a bit. Jesus christ I'm being depressing. I am so happy here, during the day I am so motivated and get so much done. It's just been a rough day. I missed the bus once, almost twice, had my long exhausting Flat Pattern class for 3 hours and came home to a house that isn't mine with people in it I hardly seem to know. I feel like I'm losing touch with myself, my true self. And for god's fucking sake I don't want to feel lonely. I needed this move so bad, I was so trapped in Indy so suffocated by...
well, I don't know, I hate to talk about it because I feel like it doesn't help but whatever. I just want to know when my heart will stop hurting late at night when I'm alone and can't sleep. I still wonder if it crosses anyone elses mind every once in a while, like it does mine. I pray to G everyday to help me let go, and learn to love myself. I'm so gay, I fucking Googled how long does it take to get over your first love. Like a million results popped up on the search engine so I know I'm not alone. And I feel so stupid, so naive, for still feeling this way sometimes. That is probably why I let the bitterness and cynicism rule my interactions with others, especially the other gender. I scoff at people who are "in love." What the fuck does that even mean? I have no idea anymore. The world seems to revolve on selfishness, lust, and power. People only work to make money to impress other people and prove that they are better. I do not want to be one of those people. I guess maybe everybody just feels the way I do on the inside and that is the only way to combat it. Everybody walking around with the loneliness and pain on the inside of losing love to heartbreak, death, loss...so we sit down, focus on ourselves, whatever that is: making more money, gaining power and prestige, getting a good job, a better car, bigger house, nicer furniture just the next step to so-called "happiness" as we call it, so we don't have to deal with the pain of our losses and actually look at what caused them, or maybe even mourn them. I'm sure it doesn't help that in my Cultural Anthropology class we are discussing how our society is dominated by these things. I know that love is the only thing that matters at the end of the day. Love with our families, that supreme being, our friends, and falling in love. Love is it. But the bullshit, the stuff that seems so important can get in the way. I want to believe that the other stuff is just supposed to be fulfilling in a way, pay the bills and help people out, but most people don't act that way. Well, I don't know what else to say. I know I will be okay, I think letting it all out right now helps the worry go away. I want to come home this weekend.
