Not Broken, Just a Baby

Uhhhh, so life is going by way toooo fast these days. I don't know how to slow it down, but it's already effin June. OMFG! I should probably register for a summer class. Or maybe just go to Colorado with B. Ha. I have no idea. I've been having so much fun the past few weeks, but I feel like I need to be a bit more responsible or I will end up regretting it. So what's new here? Everything and nothing. I got to see a good friend from Louisville, D, the other night which was awesome. We went to the St. Martin de Tours Catholic church down there. It was like 3 am, the church is open 24 hours, and we just walked around and prayed and talked. It was one of those crazy, spontaneous, spiritual moments you don't expect. Like talking about it takes away from the sacredness of it because I cannot do it justice with my words. I have been getting so close to all the women in my life lately and I love it, they are so supportive and show me how to love myself through all the crappy stuff. Even just hanging out, laying out at the pool with some of the girls talking and joking about life, boys, menstruation, babies, whatever it is, makes me feel good about myself. It helps me learn who I am and be honest and show that to people. I haven't really been feeling that whole girl competition bullshit lately. Wait maybe that's because someone is out of town right now who loves to play that game. The girls I have been hanging out with are such down to earth, genuine women though. Besides a few comments here and there, we can mostly be open with each other. Haha, whatever.



So yeah, things with D, not the girlfriend D, but the guy D, went amaaaazing the other other day. He had Tuesday off so he just came down at like 3 or 4 and we spent the whole afternoon together, we walked like 5 miles on the Monon and downtown at the Canal because we just wanted to keep talking and what not. He's so sweet, like ridiculously nice and would never hurt a fly sweet. Then we just went to a Chapel Rock meeting and hung out with N and A the rest of the night. It was like perfect though. I'm totally torn though between him and B. The thing is I totally have feelings for both of them. Like mad crazy good feelings. Like good exciting nerves. They are both super attractive, fun to hang out with, and make me laugh. But B is so flakey like all over the place like me, maybe because he is younger and not really settled and what not. I really like that about him though and we connect on that level, and he always keeps me guessing for sure. With D, I can tell he's more soft and gentle, but still also super funny and really cool. He's just older and more mellow and definitely more settled.



Okay this is funny, like pros and cons of the two guys I'm dating. Well it's not like I'm sleeping with either of them. (Sidenote, when I talked to my s about this the other day, I'm like I think I'm dating like 4 guys now...She's like OMG, are you sleeping with them all? I'm like heavens no, not even with one...She goes ha, me neither, ps she's like 50 and awesome and tells me about her sex life) Except D and I totally had a superhot make out session the other night, like super passionate, and it was like looking in the eyes, intense, sweet gentle. And then B is like the opposite, like he grabs me like he's going to have his way with me. Wtf, I need to stop this. I don't think I have to pick one yet. I'm not exclusive with either of them. Ugh, but I know I can't really move forward with either of them unless I break ties with the other. I fucking love being single. This is what I am supposed to do at this age right? I was created to hunt men. It's like people in relationships suck. I wonder if I can just keep toeing the line with both of them. D is a going to grad school in September in Virginia anyway. And B lives 3 hours away...right? I don't have to decide now!?

Going back to that whole people in relationships suck kind of thing, I am so having recurring issues with one of my friends about this. I totally get it, like she really loves her boyfriend and feels comfortable with him and has fun with him. But he is the center of her universe and she is so unhappy. I mean I'm not in her shoes so I can't say that for her, but she just seems different, unhappy, and not her old self. And I have known her for a loooooong time. It sucks though because I want to be friends with her still and know her. Like actually know wtf is going on with her. But since I have been single she has like stopped talking to me, like since I don't have a boyfriend I can't know what's going on with her. It's so fucking frustrating, it's like she thinks if she gets too close to the girl who got dumped, the same thing will happen to her. Getting dumped is not contagious. Relationships are hard. Especially since we are so young, we are not supposed to know how to do them right, we fail, we make mistakes, we learn. I guess I just know how fucking miserable it is to be alone in that place and pretending like you are fine does not actually make it fine. I want to be a friend, but I can't be a friend to someone who won't allow me in their life. I was trying to having a serious convo with her, well via text but it was serious, and she made a really surfacey stupid joke to end the convo. And in my head, I'm like wtf I'm pouring my heart out to you about how I know how hard life can be, and how hard it is to keep balance with girlfriends when you're in a relationship, but that I love her and miss her and that was her FUCKING RESPONSE! A stupid rhyme joke to deflect any sort of having to share anything she felt with me! Well whatever, I love her so much, apparently so much that it pisses me off that she won't let me in her life. I need to check what that's about.