I seriously was threatened with a call to the cops today! He threatened me today with calling the cops on me if I showed up to his party. WTF! He must really think he is important. I never even planned on going to R's party bc A) I was not invited B) I don't think I will ever be able to show face to his mom because I know how he runs to her to be coddled and she must think I'm satan C) I have been planning on going to Chicago for the past month anyway to see Mc and B. I don't know who told him I wanted to go to his little super sweet 16, at the age of 23 party, but they were misinformed. It all started because I was trying to be a smart-ass on his Formspring (which btw, who the fuck has those, except people who are asking for it!!!) but at the same time maybe make some progress in being friends. He seems totally oblivious still to the fact that he did hurt me and that's why I feel the automatic need to defend myself or deflect tension with humor. I'm sure it doesn't help he surrounds himself with people who just inflate the fuck out of his oversized ego more.
I know I'm being judgmental, but I have put myself out there so many times, gone through so much pain, and they continue to enjoy ganging up on particular people and acting as though they are better than. I will continue to own my part, even if they never do. The only way to be the better person is to be wrong sometimes. It just seems that I am running out of cheeks to turn. At least I am surrounding myself with more positive people. RR has been a godsend. M says apparently it's not supposed to happen right now with me and R so I will let it go for now. She says he's making it very clear he is not ready (yeah I'd say, threatening to call the cops!!! SERIOUSLY????), even if I think I am or want to, and He will take care of it. Also, she thinks I could have been more tactful and that I have a sailor's mouth of late. Hmmm, I don't even notice when I cuss half the time anymore. I love trying to explain social media drama to her. Whatever, I'm going to see B in a couple weeks and I actually like him so it will take my mind off the seemingly bottomless pile of problems with R. I see real potential with B, like being able to fall in love with him, I just know how much work relationships take, and idk if the long distance thing would work. Maybe it would be good, so I wouldn't get addicted to him!
In other news, I'm so ready to be done with school!! In the last week of classes and finals next week. I'm stressing because I want to get my GPA up so bad! I finally found a school I want to get a degree from. A liberal arts private catholic university in Austin with about 5,000 students. They have great study abroad programs too! I want a degree in Liberal Studies with a minor in Spanish. Seems like the perfect fit. It's even less expensive than the out-of-state tuition for the state school. Only slightly, but still cheaper. I just need to get in now. If not this Fall 2010 semester then at the latest the Spring 2011 semester. No more math and science for me baby! My parents even liked it and my mom said I might have to take out a few loans, but they would be willing to help out as much as they could. At least I have a goal at this point. I still have a bit of a desire to go to school in Chicago, but Austin was so cool and the weather is so much nicer there! I could be with my brother for a year before he gets deployed to Afghanistan which would also be so awesome!
I can't wait for summer either. I've got trips planned! and some summer school :( well here's the trips so far: Chicago, Buffalo, NYC, San Antonio, Playa del Carmen in Mexico, ha I think that's enough. Maybe one or two to Texas to see the brother. Then some concerts: Jack Johnson, Tom Petty, Kings of Leon, Ingrid Michaelson, Lollapalooza (mainly to see Gaga!), MGMT, Dave, and we'll see what else. I gotta start working my ass off to make some $$$$
I cannot control other people. I cannot force things to work out, He always takes care of that. No matter how hard I try on my own. Keep calling the s, working the s's, talking to people who have my best interests at heart, and being me. I have to keep laughing at myself. I am 20, I cannot take myself too damn seriously. I will make mistakes, I will trip up sometimes, I am human...but I pick myself up, grow, and move on to life's next challenge.
