OMFG! B just invited me to go to Minnesota with him for a week!!! Yipppeee! I'm so gaga for him. I have butterflies right now just after talking to him for like 10 minutes...heehehe....I hardly ever get butterflies for guys, but he makes me nervous! Like good nervous. This is totally all happening the way it is supposed to. God, I hope we don't hate each other after a week. I love that he makes me nervous. Anyway, must stop talking about it so I don't jinx it, lol.
Anyway, just had the most wonderful evening with RR. We ate great food, as she is a fabulous cook, consoled one of her s's, ate some whirly-pop popcorn, and walked the boys. I just feel like she is my sister or something. Like a sister that I don't fight with though! It's a genuine friendship, where we just truly enjoy each others company and can laugh and joke, but have very intimate deep conversations. I don't know, we just both have our issues and our problems, but our brains balance each others out or something. Tonight's topic of course was love, what that means to us today, and how to act that way. It's so hard because I know that I have to be vulnerable in any relationship to truly reap rewards. I am such a giver though, and I give too much sometimes. I would much rather give too much than always be taking, but I get so hurt by giving people I care about everything. Even in friendships sometimes I show up for people when they need it the most, even the people who have hurt me, judged me, or disposed of me at one time or another. I feel like I always will drive across town at midnight for a friend in need, or show up with flowers when they are down, or just listen to them rant nonsense when they need. I cannot say this is a bad way to live, it is actually the only way I would ever have it. I know this is the right thing. It's just sometimes I wish people would do the same in return. It is not on my time though, and I know I teach people how to treat me. And I do truly know the people I can count on no matter what, even if there are only a few. It's quality not quantity for sure!
I am learning to stand up for myself, but it's so against my nature. I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt, trust what they say, and let them know I don't judge them. I guess getting burned bad has taught me what to look out for and to trust my gut. I don't feel this need for everyone to like me, or people please so much. It's more about being present in the now, enjoying moments of beauty and joy. Connecting with Him or another human being. I like what a friend of mine shared in a meeting last night about how we are so human and the pain is so beautiful sometimes because we can feel that we are alive. I have felt so alive lately. I just want to be rid of the anger and hurt now. I don't know if it ever goes away. It still hurts when I think about losing Papa, but it is a beautiful pain, like a peaceful pain. There's so much anger I still carry about R. I want that to go away so bad! I know it's because I haven't let go of it all the way. I still think I deserve an apology. I really do. Which sucks, because I might be waiting forever. In the grand scheme of things it is not that big of a deal and is all my ego I think. I need him to validate that he did something wrong because I was and still am always the wrong one when it comes to us. I ask Him to help me let him go, and grow on his own, and he will eventually see, but I don't know if that will ever happen. So I feel a need to control. Hmmmmm. And I let it drive me nuts for no reason whatsoever. I don't want him anymore, he's not the person he used to be, or used to show me. I just want to prove this point. To who? Seriously? Like all the people that treated me like crap afterwards? Like I should care what they think. Well it's progress for today.
He has been good to me today. It was a beautiful, peaceful day. I am whole and all is right in my universe.
Thanks for the sign from B today, I needed that!
Gratitude:
School is almost over!
I can start over everyday!
Beautiful people who are good to my spirit!
Sunshine
My lovely family, crazy and awesome
Cool spring evenings like tonight!!
My soul, just the way it is!
12
Being social
