All Nighter.

I am so pulling an all nighter to get this last bit of school work done!!! And I need a break so here it is! OMFG so excited for school to be over in t-minus 12 hours!!!! Mythology is my last class to knock out and I am free free free. What better way to celebrate than a nap afterwards to sleep off the all nighter, a concert, and a week in Chicagoooo!!! I am debating driving home for mother's day or not on Sunday evening bc E will be coming home too, maybe bring Mc with me, celebrate with the fam, then drive back up. It's a lot of driving but if E is with me we can split it up, whatever, boring deets.

So T and I are going to Cali in June. He said if I got my plane ticket he would cover everything else and plane tickets are at 300 and dropping now. I think it's a fantastic idea and am so down!!! He is the bomb, like so laid back and chill and does not let shit get under his skin at all!! I am very jealous, but I know some of that must come with age or something, people seriously do not bother him at all. He's just like whatever. I am so not like that, I wish I was like that, even when I say whatever it's bc I really dislike them or what they are doing and don't want to think about it bc it pisses me off. He genuinely just seems to let it go. Dayum, I hope I can get to that point one day.

Anyway, with T I have been pretty clear about just wanting to be friends, because I have a history of misleading guys...I just have a hard time, I don't know what the fuck I want with most of them, but guys seem to treat me so well until I actually want one of them back. It's fuckin frustrating. Seriously, it's like they only want you until they can have you. I never know if they genuinely care because they care or because they want in my pants. It's not like I ever let them in my pants so it's no biggie, but just a conundrum of the way the male psyche works. They want you, they get you, they don't want you anymore. Ha maybe that's because when they get me they realize the negatives of the craziness of me outweigh the hotness. Ha, that is totally it. Well I guess I'm looking for that guy that finds the crazy endearing, not repulsive. SWF looking for tall, dark, and handsome SM who can handle a crazy hot blonde, and by crazy hot I mean suuper hot and suuuuuper crazy. LOL. I don't know what I'm talking about. I guess Marilyn says it better than I ever could "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." A very intelligent blonde icon if I can say so myself. And very eloquent with her words.

I love baby R and my beautiful friend S. They brightened my evening, along with seeing an old friend K and hanging out in the Ripple for a while. Btw, I am feeling very beautiful today. I think I should tell myself that more often because many days I find myself quite freakish. I didn't even shower until tonight, but several people gave me compliments and that can brighten a girls day like you will not imagine. And oh yeah, super hot hipster guy at Moe and Johnny's was so doing that eye contact too long and smiling nonsense! Argh I wanted to give him my number so bad, but I never make the first move. And I was so being all cute making a scene making up a nonexistent parking spot out front with the smart car, that I do not own, and leaving to come back home to my parents house I live at, soooo yeah, ironic. He was all mature and sexy and if he gives me 3 years to get a degree and get some credit to get my own smart car then I will feel like giving him my number will be a smart choice :)
Anyway, then I decided to try on bikinis to take with me on my trip. And this quitting the pack a day habit and doing yoga and pilates has been the most wonderful thing for my body. It's been a rough couple weeks with being locked inside to do school, but I am back to my old self for sure. I feel sexual again, not like towards anyone but about myself. Like, I feel connected to my body so much more than I have in a while. For some reason he made me feel so ugly, his passive comments and condescending attitude were so toxic to my self-esteem. We were just so wrong for each other. Now that he is gone, for the most part, so is a lot of that self-hate. Hmmmm....I wonder what that means. I'm sure I was toxic for him too. We just value such different principles and we suffocated each other rather than blossomed together. Well whatever, I'm loving being single single single right now, just doing my thing, and being me!!! We'll see how next week goes with B!! :D :D

Well, all is well in my universe today. I am whole and He has provided another day of joy and happiness for me.