Sooooo, summer is in full swing. It was fricking 90, sunny, and sticky today. Had a fabulous day. Well minus the argument with the mother. But that is not out of the norm. Finally got back to my normal Monday night meeting because my workshop ended last week. It felt soooooooo good to be there. It's totally 75% social event, 25% meeting but alas, I am totally a social person. I have been free free free lately. Like ridiculously free. I'm thinking working through the s's this last time in my workshop was definitely the most painful time (thus far), but also the most rewarding. Which is scary and very exciting!
Anywho, I don't know what to talk about, but I know writing always clears my head. Maybe that's a good thing, I have a semi-clear head tonight. Lately I've had this calmness up in the madness of my brain. And have been super hyper and energetic on the outside. It's funny, when I'm crazy in my head I'm pretty subdued physically, and when there is more peace in my head I go bananas, dancing, laughing, and all around jumping around. I feel very at peace with myself and most everyone in my life. A few 9's to do, but none immediately. I have no idea where this school thing is gonna go, and I wished I cared enough to do more, but I don't, and I know it won't happen until I do care enough to do. I so very much wish to transfer to that school in Austin! This next semester seems so unlikely though, and I need to start taking more classes I want to take, and less that my parents think I should take. I'm so unsuccessful when I try to fucking please them by taking the classes that I know I will never use. Yeah, so I'm so comfortable in my life here in Indy, but I still crave something more. It's not as though I will be unhappy if I stay here, I just feel like this is something I need to do, something I have always wanted. Well anyway, it will work out the way it's supposed to.
But honestly, besides school, I feel free. Like I said I just finished 12 last week so that might be related :) It's like I do these workshops, which are a semi pain in the ass sometimes, but I always feel this way after working the s's. OMFG! How do I not expect it though. I don't think it will work for me still, but somehow I end up feeling this way everytime. Like I can be myself in a group of people, I can laugh at my mistakes, and I can just be upfront. I mean yeah give it a few months and I will get myself in some other predicaments, let shit build up, and start feeling itchy in my skin and go crazy, but then another workshop will roll around, I guess that's how I work, at least this far.
Man talk. Well I've been a bit naughty, but a girl needs to be every once in a while, or more frequently than that! And I am honest and upfront with my intentions and am not being sneaky, so I don't feel bad about it. I really believe that people who have sex on a regular basis are just much happier people :) It's only when we complicate it and are dishonest about what it means is when we get ourselves in trouble! Whatever I am 20 (even if I try to convince myself and others I'm 35 at times), and am not tied down to anyone, and I feel on top of the world. It's like that Sex & the City episode where Carrie tries to have sex like a guy, no emotional attachment, just sex. I can't remember what happens in the end. I mean I don't know, of course I want to eventually be in a relationship again, and I really really do like B (we've been staying in touch and what not), but I'm fucking 20 YEARS OLD!!!
I want to have fun, and be me, and be able to be crazy when I want to. The entire year with R I spent trying to be good enough, and be whatever it was he wanted me to be. I acted like this fucking trophy girlfriend at the age of 18, and that is so not me, not yet anyway!!! In addition I don't want to get crushed like that again anytime soon. I guess the point is, I like the freedom of where I am now. I like the confidence I have in myself again. Something about being in a relationship is so very secure supposedly, which is why people want it so bad, like you always know you have someone on your team (well for the most part). But for me, right now, it is also the most frightening thing in the world, thinking about getting that close and secure with someone again and having that ripped away overnight. I like where I am at (and now that I say that watch it change overnight) It might not be perfect, but it wouldn't be fun if it was. I like having crushes, flirting, being asked out, all that good stuff. My ego might be getting a bit outrageous though. I'm so going on a date with a guy from Lafayette that is gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous, like I'm intimidated to talk to model gorgeous, and he's a bit older. Whatever, I'm open to dating now, obviously, and it's nice.
It's nice to have rejoined the human race, feel like me, and realize we are all just trying to be happy, even if our route to finding that is bumpy. I know I couldn't be at this point til I went through the horrors of the past several months, sticking them out, and learning to love myself and depend on Him through them. Most of those dear old flaws are still here, maybe a few less prominent, but I love them. They make me who I am. I'm not sure if I'm growing up, but I a definitely learning who I am, what I value, what love means to me. I know He wants me to be happy, I just have to realize I don't always know what that is going to be that makes me happy, and that when you get through the darkness the other side is so bright. My friendships are awesome today, my family is the most amazing thing in the world. I will be taken care of. I am grateful.
