You either whine and bitch or you pick yourself up and move on, right? I don't think so, I'm totally in this in between. I whine and bitch sometimes and I'm moved on sometimes. Well tonight was fantastic. Seriously it was. The day was in general actually. My brother is home for a long weekend. So of course the chaotic clusterfuck family time took place all day. He spends so much time with his girlfriend when he's home so today was our day with him, but as someone pointed out to me, who can really blame him? He's surrounded by 95% men 95% of the time in the army. Then N came over and laughed at my family being crazy for a few more hours. I love that she gets my family. Just about everyone else, besides old old friends, G & Mc, my friends are freaked out by my family I think. Like, an example of a typical night at home when all of us are home, my mother is standing there washing dishes, offering us every food in the house, while at the same time talking to the cats through the window, An is bitching about her landlord and writing a thesis paper at the kitchen table, Al is stomping around yelling at me to find her sunglasses while wearing only a towel, my dad is doing a crossword puzzle standing in the middle of the room in Al's way, and M is telling me to go change my clothes so my boobies don't hang out. If E was home, which she is in Honduras right now, she would be upstairs asleep. Yeah, that's how we function, or don't dysfunction I guess. But N just laughs the whole time.
Anywho, later on we hung with a few of the guys from Lafayette. Of course it's super awkward now with D because he asked me out via facebook via a tip from N & A. I'm so nervous about it because they told him how hot I think he is so I can't play my stupid coy, play it cool game around him. Since the only contact I've had with him, besides obsessively staring at him every other time I've been at the same place as him, has been through text and facebook when I saw him tonight I'm like awkward as fuck. And he's more like mysterious and mature and whatever so I'm all like he doesn't want to talk to me so I'm going to fill the silence with way too much talking and awkward comments. Jesus. Whatever, that's who I am, at least I don't pretend like it's not awkward. We're hanging out again tomorrow, going to do a Memorial Day party at his parents pool. I mean he is 30, which might be a bit hard to explain to the parents and what not if that would ever need to happen, but when we did actually get to talk alone for like 5 minutes he was really down to earth and sweet. And of course he has that beautiful bone structure of a Greek god. But he's not overly confident or arrogant, like he doesn't walk around with a fucking cocky ass attitude, which is very attractive also. He freaking works for CPS, like helps out kids in foster care!! That's so cool! Whatever, I hardly know him at this point. We'll see how tomorrow goes.
Thinking about a trip to the windy city soon. Haven't seen B for a while and I miss him, but then again I can't be making the effort all the time and I don't want him to think I care too much. Damn, I am so all over the place. I don't know what the fuck is going on with these boys, but it is fun. I am so not emotionally investing or making myself vulnerable at this point, but I don't feel like I have to. I am dating I guess. That word is so elusive. "Dating". It has such fuzzy lines and can imply so many things. Ugh. I don't know what I want. I want to be in love. But I don't want to actually have to work at a relationship and put myself out there too far. So I am somewhere in the middle. I am like fulfilled in different ways than romantic love. I am so close to all my girlfriends and my family and tell them everything. But I still like attention from the guys of course, I would be lying if I said I didn't. It's like the guys I actually like, I keep at arms length, and the ones I know I would never be with, I let get closer to me. It's easy that way. That way the guys that I could see myself being with, will never be able to get close enough to hurt me, and the ones I don't want to be with romantically I lead on. Fuuuuuuck, I'm crazy. I know I'm not the only person that does this though.
N and I had such a good convo about this. It's like we want that passionate intense love with a guy again, and we have the option to seek that. I'm back on my feet. I'm myself and I'm doing my thing. But also I just am not ready to care enough to put the complete effort into it. There is nothing wrong with that and I think when the right person rolls around at the right time we will experience that again with a tiny bit more wisdom and faith I think. And those people might even be in our lives right now, it just isn't the right time, at least not today, not tonight it wasn't. You can't force that type of shit. It just happens. Like when you least expect it. So I just have to let it go. I feel so silly sometimes because all I write about is boys, but the thing is I would just think about it in bed all night unless I did.
