PassionDesireFireMadBigBigLove
That's what I want
And I won't settle for less
Just to clarify, never had sex with T....or anything else in that ballpark ;) And yes we are going to California together, but just as friends, like seriously. Interesting how people find my life so important to make stuff up (this is no good for my selfish self-centered ego, stop validating the fear that I have that everyone is talking about me when I walk into a room jeeeeez) :) just ask me if you wanna know. If I want to tell you I will. There. So MB, R, J, M stop talking mad shit until you know what the fuck you are talking about. Thanx. And for all avid people that read my blog (lol) that already do talk to me regularly and don't make stuff up anyway, just though I'd put that out there.
So home home home is beautiful. Indy is rainy today, but it is home. Spent some time with ladies today. Damn it's so hard to not be judgmental of judgmental people. Seriously!!??!! I'm so glad you have all you're shit so perfectly together that you can sit there are talk shit about how everyone is not as fucking perfect and spiritually fit as you. That makes sense. NOT! Seriously?? Taking that shit to a new level. I know I do my fair share of gossip and what not, but seriously. We are all imperfect people in case you have not noticed yet. We all have our flaws. We all make mistakes. We all hurt people and are hurt by other people. DO NOT FUCKING SIT THERE and talk mad shit about someone while acting like you care/like them. At least when I gossip I don't fucking pretend like I am doing it to help people. Do not act like you are pitying someone and being sympathetic when you are just fucking being mean. Don't act like you are being honest, you can't fucking say it to their face, you act nice to their face. Are you really that fucking insecure about yourself that deep down that you have to hide it under layers and layers of being judgmental and not ever owning your fucking part. Fuuuuuck that. Pity is a disgusting thing, it is not actually a feeling, it is you covering up your own fucked upness with acting like you are better than another other human being. You are not better than anybody. We are all human, we are all equal, we all feel pain and joy. Have you ever fucking heard of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Okay, besides that I had a lovely day. I love M, T, N, and S from the bottom of my soul. We went out to eat after T's court date. Which p.s. I love her so much and am so happy court went well for her. Some real down to earth time with them. M's dad is hilarious and so nice and T's neighbor M is the kind of old lady I want to be. She wears an outrageous amount of gold jewelry, has over processed gray dyed blonde too many times hair, has a matching turquoise mani pedi, and talks about her late husband like he just went on a business trip and she can't wait for him to come home. Well anyway, we wrapped up my workshop tonight, it has been going on for 8 months! It has saved my ass more than once, but I was so ready for it to be over. Met with the spons and what not. It felt so good to get back home. I loved the city, but it is not home, at least not yet.
B has been texting me all day :) aw, miss him. It was getting a bit weird through the texting and I was like uhhhh you know I don't have any expectations with this and I just like spending time with you when possible. Of course he was like you're the shit and that makes me want to come see you even more. Don't worry, I don't want to be suffocated either! And then he randomly said we should go out to Colorado. That would be the shiiiiit. No expectations. It's like I love the fact that I still have this independence even though I know he's who I want to be with. When I like a guy, like have strong strong feelings for a guy (which I really only have one other person to compare this to) I want to be with them as much as possible. In the past this has gotten out of control very quickly and I have lost myself while just trying to be happy. Because being with that person makes me happy so I suddenly make all my time devoted to them, and when they get busy with life or I should be going on with my life I have become so addicted to being happy with them I can't function doing anything else and have lost all my relationships with others because they were the only one I put time and effort into. With B it's like it's not possible for us to see each other everyday so I don't put this weight and expectation on having to hear from him, or worrying if I don't hear from him. But I know he's not with anybody else and neither am I. It's nice when we do talk, and I would like to see him when either of us can make the effort, but I am not hurt and offended when it doesn't happen! Miracle. And growth if I may say so myself. And it is super exciting to be feeling this way. And by this way I mean actually having the spark with someone. That chemistry that cannot be replicated. But still being madly in love with who I am. Maybe this is just what I need. Heehee and yes we will make beautiful blue-eyed babies which is a plus....not that I'm planning the wedding yet or anything! Ha I crack myself up.
Lets see where He takes me. He has brought me this far with so much pain and joy. I learn from every obstacle and joy in my life. All is right and I am whole.
