Love a Challenge

So I am at G's house right now. We are sleeping her and leaving for the Chicago at 5 am. Arg, I suck at mornings, well, actually not too bad since I quit smoking. Whatevs, I'll sleep on the way there. I was home for about 48 hours for mother's day. Somewhat of a waste of coming home though, because of course my dear mother freaked out on my dad for not going out and buying beef for meatballs. It was hilarious. My mom was like the only thing I asked you father for on mother's day was to cook a meal with my beautiful daughters. Like that guilt shit or whatever. So of course, I drive E's hungover ass home from Chicago Sunday morning, she pukes out of the car and smokes to help with the naseua, thank god, it put her to sleep. I had such an awesome night out in Wrigleyville though. Me and Mc spent about 6 hours just straight talking and smoking cigarettes in her dirty artsy apartment, then ran to grab some pita and hummus at a little joint called Sultan's near her apt. She never drives in Chiago so her navigating me is ridiculous always, like telling me to go the wrong way down one ways all the time, because she is so used to walking every where. We ended up taking about 40 minutes to find the joint and park when it usually takes her about 15 to walk. And this is why I need to live in a city. I could walk and ride my bike everywhere!!! Anyway we went out on the town. Mc and I listened to Lady Gaga and took another 4 hours to get ready to go out. We literally must have changed like 50 times. Amaziiingness. We ended up wearing little LBD's, black pumps, and black tights, with leather and jean jackets, looking fabulous I assure you. I looove riding public transportation looking all hot like I'm going somewhere fabulous.

Silly thing is, we ended up going to a college bar right by Loyola, it was the end of school for them so they were doing some bar crawl and there were about 500 too many drunk college kids in that bar. Me and Mc may have been the only ones in pumps, but we still danced our little booties off. I needed that. E was the bomb, she was drunk and silly, but usually that's how she has to be to talk about deep stuff. She made me cry like five times, and I was so like E it's okay that you are crying bc you are drunk. I am sober! Stop making me cry. She just told me how much she loves me and she knows how hard it is to get over someone. She said that was why she cheated on M, because she wasn't over her first love until she went back to him that night and realized what an idiot he was. She told me she knows how long it takes for a heart to heal and that she is there for me whenever I need her. I assured her I am well along in my journey but it meant a lot that put that out there. Family is so important to me and I threw them to the wayside when R and I were dating. I don't ever want to do that again. When he left, they were still there though. Of course. I never want to be with a guy my parents don't approve of.

Anyway, back to my challenge that I wanted to talk about. So heading to Chicago in the morning and going to spend some time with B. I am so excited. I talked to RR about it today, I miss her so much but I have been so busy and am going to Chicago again, but it was good to talk to her today. Well anyway, I was all like he confuses the crap out of me. He is not all over me and doesn't pursue the crap out of me, which I love but makes me nervous. But truth be told, all these other guys that are pursuing the crap out of me make it so boring and I can boss them around and it's no fun and I'm not interested. I don't think B is playing a game though like a lot of the other guys seem to do. Well RR said he might just be him. Like, he might just be okay with who he is and want you to be okay with who you are. Now this is mind-blowing but exciting to me. It is so true, B calls me when he can, but he doesn't have to call me all the time to check in, for me to build his ego. When we talk, it's not bullshit, I'm not trying to be someone I'm not and neither is her. Of course I am still nervous. I am insecure and want him to tell me I'm a hottie. But the thing is I know that, I love myself, I don't want to need him like that. It's a hard thing to hold onto, to not lose myself in a relationship, but I like that he pushes me. He pushes me to be a confident, secure, better woman, like he doesn't suppress my growth, make me feel like I have to fit in this box, and be a certain person and that's the only reason he will like me. I hope I can do the same in return to him. I want to get to know him! I will see him tomorrow! Yay! Well I gots to get some sleep. I could go on for days about the past few days, but this is the most important of it.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

-St. Augustine