Lost

I don't know quite why, but I had a freakin breakdown on the way home tonight. I was just driving home from T's house a little while ago and I was like super emotional. Life is so confusing right now. I don't know what the fuck I am doing with it! With school I am like wtf, totally doubting my decision to transfer. I'm freaking out because I'm feeling angry and mad and sad and scared. I'm like so over the YP here and I feel like I have about 5 friends in the city who I trust and actually have my best interests at heart. I love the older women in my workshop, but I mean people my age. It just seems like everybody is super fucking fake, and really interested in just looking like they have their shit together and bringing other people down to make themselves look even better. Of course none of them do, nobody in the world does. But the point of AA is not to fucking make you feel like you're supposed to be perfect, or to judge the other people struggling to learn how to live sober for not being perfect yet. Stop kicking people while they are down! I don't know what I expect from these people, but I think understanding and love and compassion for each other is not too much!!!!

And N is throwing a surprise party for S tomorrow. I love S so much. She has always been a loving friend, even if she loves the drama, she is a great listener. Slightly annoying that everybody else gets fucking parties except me....I know it's not about me, I'm being selfish, and that unfortunate incident between B, M and I was going on right around the time of my bday and anniversary, where the group of people decided to be so spiritual by ignoring me :) I try not to let it bother me, but it is like wtf, I put all this time and effort and love and emotional and mental energy into these relationship and this is what I end up with. I guess I need to get my mind right and focus on what I have and the quality relationships I have in my life today. NV is always there for me and is such a beautiful compassionate soul. I think we get each other so well because we come from similar backgrounds, big ass crazy families, and we don't expect to be the center of the universe. There is most definitely a demographic with the YP in AA btw. Wealthy white kids. Now some of these kids are spoiled rotten and will mostly likely never learn that they are not the center of the world, but are sober so they aren't fucking their parents lives up anymore. Then, at least I'd like to think, people like me, J, NV, RR, come from normal families and actually have to learn to grow up when we come in bc mommy and daddy don't give us everything so we can play house. Totally some resentment there, but it's shit I can't change so I'm just bitching. Ugh, I hate being angry.

So back to crying session on the car ride home, I'm not quite sure what triggered it, but it doesn't matter. I was thinking about my Papa at first and about how much I wish he was still here so he could help me figure out what to do with school because I'm so confused. I want to study at a different school for sure, but I want to run the fuck away from R right now. I want him to A) either not get a job so he feels like crap and realizes he's not perfect or B) get a job in a place far far away. Preferably option B because I cannot stand seeing him anymore. It fucking drives me crazy. He fucking IGNORES ME! Like acts like he does not know who the fuck I am. Fuuuuuck him. I had such a great time at the dance last night and a great time with lil J, but seeing R just fucks me up. I know I have been a bitch since the break-up but at least I fucking acknowledge the fact that he is a living human being. It's why I go so fucking crazy all the time. Which is why I quit the committee, which sounds stupid but idc, my s said it was fine. I should not have to go curl up under a rock bc he lives here. He's fucking cruel and he knows it. Whatever. I'm not gonna give him the power to ruin my life, but how fucking long does it take to get over a first love??? Some people say never and if I have to see him for the rest of my fucking life I will literally go crazy. I mean I am crazy but I will go like bonkers crazy. Like there was this split second where I was the only person in front of him and he just looked to the side. Wtf, does he think he is doing me a favor? Or does he honestly believe he is better than me? Might be the latter because