Life is Brilliant

Last night on vacation. I'm in love with the city. And I believe in love again. Heehee...I don't know what is going on with me, but I needed this trip bad. The fellowship up here is what I needed to experience. The unconditional love I used to feel in Indy. I have to create that back home. I just had to be reminded it existed :) I forgot and got fucked up in my head and convinced myself that what people said about me and my history is what made me who I am. It is not. I am who I am. Anywho. Saw a bunch of old friends from Wisconsin at the event in McHenry tonight which was awesome. Met good people out in Crystal Lake. I love meeting new people. I feel comfortable with me again finally. I know it's a process but I like being in my skin a lot today. Now I'm back in the city about to fall asleep in M's new apartment. It's fucking sweet, right downtown with a balcony. On the roof you can see the Sears tower about 8 blocks away. Dayuuum, hopefully he'll buy this place and marry my sister and I'll get to come babysit my nieces and nephews here all the time....whoa, that was a projection. But seriously, yeah, my sister keeps telling me how M wants to get married. Scary? Yes!!!

Well to talk boys for a minute I don't want to jinx it but S said the ache goes away when you fall again. I think I'm falling. I am falling. I know I am. It's different than last time. It's honest and real, it's not a fairytale, but it's genuine, but it still is a fairytale you know, just not a delusional one. I know not to compare and contrast but it's hard not to. No expectations with B, like it's scary letting go of the expectations, but the insecurity and fear is so closely related and I cannot do that shit again. Everyone is all like, what's up, are you guys like what? dating? bf gf? porking ((word for word what M asked!?) (which actually no, which is a good thing bc we know the issues there are too much for one weekend))? And I like to respond with a big fat shrug. Ha. Bah! I know how I feel. I enjoy spending time with him. He's goofy and crazy and embraces life. And he has those goddamn gorgeous blue eyes. I'm a sucker for blue-eyed boys I guess. But seriously, I don't want anything from him, I just want to be with him. And be happy. B might come down to Indy on his days off this week. God I am nervous. Idk how this long distance thing works and I like him, like really effin like him,which is rare for me, and I miss him already and it's only been 3 hours. Ugh I'm annoying myself with my gushing.

I don't know, it's like I have totally gone through everything I went through to get to the point I am right now, to be the person I have become in this moment. I just don't feel this need to be someone I am not. With him I don't feel this never ending need to impress like before. I don't care if my hair is out of place, or my fingernails are chewed off, or if my zit is just hanging out. Gross, but seriously, that may sound stupid, but for me it's progress. I allow myself to be human today. I need to stay in touch with me. With my soul. Not lose myself again.

I am so joyful today. Thanks. I know You are always there. This is not my doing. I cannot control life, and it is much more enjoyable when I let You. Thank you for everything. Help me let go and be in the moment.