This Week Needs to End

T asked me to go to Pearl Jam. Who can turn down free concert tix? It will delay the Chicago adventure by a few hours, but it's worth it, and Mc and I stay up til 4 or 5 anyway. I'll get into Chicago around 1 or 2 so I'll be fine. Summer is starting!!

Anywho, a friend told me about R's new girlfriend yesterday. I'm happy she told me bc it would be quite a surprise to see him show up somewhere with this chick and since he is so super spiritual and ignoring me is his way of helping me, sarcasm there, he would never tell me first either. But for some reason he was talking about her really loud when we were out. Like trying to piss me off or something. He was like she is older and sooooo mature (Complete opposite of me obviously :D). Haha, well if that's what he's looking for, hopefully some of it will rub off on him. She kept asking if I was upset about it, and weirdly it was like a relief. Just kind of shut the door completely. And then my friend showed me a picture and the girl is not anything to be super jealous about, so I'm just like whatever. Good for him. Hopefully he did learn something from our disaster. Doubt it, but maybe. He has a little posse of friends that follow him around to make sure his ego is validated at every moment....it's quite hilarious, but I feel sad for them.

I feel sad actually about the way a lot of the people in aa treat others. I'm noticing how sick we all really are. People just use each other for validation or status (ha whatever status there is in aa) or to feel good. Like some drama went down with another couple yesterday and I get where they are both at, it's a hard place, and a painful place. I hope they both get through it. I'm just now realizing though that we can be really sick and really fucked up for a long time. Like not just a few months or working the s's once, but like a loooong time. We don't know how to treat people, friends, lovers, family, whatever, for a long time. The only way I have learned is by doing the opposite. There is this sincerity and genuineness that I am glimpsing in the relationships in my life today that was missing for a long time. Yes, I have my casual acquaintances and people I've known for a while, but to have a genuine friendship, relationship with someone takes time and hard work and love. I don't know whether to keep these not so real, not so genuine relationships in my life. I do not write people off, I do not think I'm better than anybody so I don't just cut people out. But I mean I put time and effort and myself into relationships where people aren't looking for friendship, but just looking for self-assurance or an ego boost. I don't know, I like having people to just shoot the shit and joke around with of course, I want genuine relationships today, like I want to know you. I experience Him the most way. I guess I want to keep myself open to having those genuine relationships though, and who knows when I will really need someone to be there that I never expected.

Well B called me, and said the Minnesota lake house might fall through because the kid in the program whose dad owns it doesn't want that many people there :( oh well, we'll spend the week in Chicago and Crystal Lake, but I was looking forward to that. I want things to happen with B, and I want to see where it goes, but I am so impatient! I know patience pays off. It's just like, I want to know what He has in store for me right now. With school, with life, with relationships especially. I want to be in love again. I know that. I just don't know if I'm ready yet. I'm so young!! It was so intense with R and I thought he was it for me, but I was a fucking teenager the whole time, I had no idea. I am having so much fun being single, but I miss being in love. I wish B didn't live 3 hours away, and then I could see if it was possible with him. See, like that, I am impatient and just want to know the future. I will be fine, I know it, I am a beautiful, intelligent, funny young woman. I got a lot going for me and a whole lifetime to figure it out.